Some of you may know that I have a chronic condition called Central Sensitivity Syndrome (CSS). Basically, this is a condition in which the brain sends incoherent signals throughout the central nervous system, causing a myriad of symptoms such as pain, fatigue, allergies, chemical sensitivities, and more. I wrote a blog post about it some time ago because I think many people who are diagnosed with Fibromyalgia (FM), Chronic Fatigue Syndrome (CFS), and other autoimmune disorders may, in fact, have CSS. If you are interested, you can read the blog post here.
I generally don’t like to talk about this condition because I don’t want to focus on being unwell, but overcoming a chronic condition is a huge challenge. I have worked at healing my health issues for many years, with little success, and I felt compelled to write about it today because I finally figured out why I have never been able to overcome this chronic condition.
I suspect that many others may experience the same challenge, and I hope this reaches some people as a testament of understanding, of compassion, (both of self and of others), of transparency, and of inspiration. I have written another blog post called ‘Why Old Habits are Hard to Break’, that explains how we have an ‘inner protector’ whose job it is to keep us safe, and that inner protector doesn’t care if we experience discomfort, its only concern is to protect us from danger.
I have had success in overcoming some limiting and negative aspects of my personality using the advice I offer in that blog post, but I have not had success in overcoming the CSS. What I have come to realize, from doing the work of Dr. Joe Dispenza, is that this condition is a culmination of a series of unconscious habits and behaviors that add up to my ‘personality’, and what I have to overcome is…my whole personality, or as Dr. Joe would say…my personal reality.
In most of my blog posts related to healing, I recommend the work of Dr. Joe Dispenza. He has written several books including Breaking the Habit of Being Yourself, You Are the Placebo, and Becoming Supernatural. I have studied his work for a long time, but I wasn’t’ doing the work’ as seriously as I could have been.
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However, for the last several months, I have been doing the work, studying every day, and sitting in meditation at least twice a day. Practicing in this way is going against one of the suggestions I wrote about in my own blog post on ‘Breaking Old Habits’, which is to sneak up on the inner protector and make gradual changes.
The work of Dr. Joe is not gradual at all! I have come up against this fierce inner protector, and I have been in a full-on battle! I generally don’t use language like this, but ‘breaking the habit of being myself’ and overcoming my personality, (which is the self that created this chronic health condition), has been a fierce battle indeed.
Dr. Joe uses a couple of different analogies of what happens when people begin this work. He talks about entering the ‘river of change’ which is the void between the old self and the new self. Most people (myself included) will turn back when they begin to feel the discomfort of the unknown.
Another analogy is that of trying to get on an untamed horse, which is the conditioned version of the self that has become the personality(or the personal reality). As the person tries to get on this wild horse as the new self…the horse will simply buck them off. They may try several times to get on the horse, but never manage to stay on. So again…they return to the old self, a little battered and bruised, but at least they are familiar and safe.
I have done this so many times in my life, I have turned back. And I think the reason is that taming the horse, or swimming across the river while navigating boulders and swift currents, is the equivalent of a hero’s or heroin’s journey. There are countless stories of rites of passage or spiritual quests, all of which include overcoming some monumental challenge or adversity…often repeatedly (The Wizard of Oz, Moana, Star Wars, Harry Potter, The Matrix and so forth).
As I mentioned earlier, I have been doing this work very seriously for some time now, and I have stepped into that river of change…I have been taming the wild horse. It has been incredibly difficult and exhausting. I have been tempted to turn back and give up, but this time is different. I just can’t go back…no matter how challenging, exhausting, and painful it is…I simply cannot give up. I am determined to break the habit of being myself!
I know it is possible, I know this in my heart and in my soul, but I feel like this is truly my own personal heroin’s journey, and I want to focus all my energy on this quest. So, for the next couple of months, during July and August, I will not be publishing any creative content on my blog or YouTube. I am taking a break to focus on ‘the work’ as Dr. Joe calls it. I have already been through one dark night of the soul, and trying to keep up with my blog and videos during such a challenging time is simply unkind to myself.
I do have a great library of creative content both here on my Blog and on YouTube. I also have some other resources on my Offerings Page and in my Shop, so there is a great selection of creative inspiration here if you want to explore.
I will be back in September sometime…wish me luck!
If you found this post helpful, you may also like:
- Creativity and Healing
- Help-er-i-tis: The Act of Helping too Much
- The Sound of Silence: Teaching and Meditation
- Why it Can be a Challenge to Meditate: Especially for Women
